Got dirt, got air, got water

Having to call Ivy about me not being able to be in sacramento this week and her answering the phone saying...."Are you here!"


No Ivy. I'm not.
I've been hanging out with High Schoolers and wandering around town, without you.
Sorry.


balls.

...

haha

but yeah, I'm really diggin hanging out with Amber and creating inside jokes....like:
What if you woke up..and you were a bird.
XD

I like being stupid sometimes.
hahaha
Go college!

Time to watch a movie. or something.
later

So...funny story.
but you don't get the story.
Just the punchline XD


I love college (Heey!)
I love drinking (Heeey!)
I love women (...hee-ey?)
I love college (Hey!!)

Oh to be in sacramento...

See you guys in September :(

So yeah. I guess no sacramento for me.
what a bummer.

today I was so depressed. I basically got out of bed at two
then ate a little
then went back and layed in bed by like four or five for awhile
then I had to drive my mom to the store with no shower
that was bothersome
then I come back shower, eat.
Now I'm just sitting around.
bored.
If I had a car life would be so much better.
I would just drive away and even if I'm by myself I wouldn't care.
I hate being in this house.
I hate letting friends down.
but I guess its out of my hands.
sucks.

Totoro!......no.

biting nails

not good.



God I hate everything right now
haha


yeaaaah
just another one of those nights

I wish there was someone who could at least semi relate with me so I could talk to them

but I guess you can't always win

I think I sprained my ankle.

and just walked a buttload in the heat, basically thinking I was going to die.

PAIN

grr

Plus I don't know how I'm going to get to sacramento....
I have to wait for my sister to get up to ask her


I should get a cane like House....
yeah.
coolness.


Two nights in a row of wandering the brooks area.
Yeah.
We're cool.

Yet another crazy dream last night....hahah

Time to take a nap or something haha

Paz♥

Priorities


-Get to Sacramento in the next week

-Pay off Spring fees

-Get license


..crap
I just had a bunch of stuff I wanted to put down here, but I can't remember now!
hahahah

I guess I will get back to you.

Its nights like this that make me so incredibly happy to be alive.

Some of the stuff that happened today was a little sketch, and I feel like a horrible person but mostly it was amazing.

maybe I should just shut my mouth from now on. Once I start I can't stop. haha
Sorry amber if I do things that are bad. I know they are stupid, but for some reason I'm in it and its hard to just ignore something like that, especially since what I've been through.
Anyways
Learned some stuff, figured out some stuff, had a pretty good sandwich.
Today was overall an amazing day.
I have hope in my friends. Great hope.
Now hopefully I can finish it off with some Sacramento time.
If I can even get out of bed tomorrow haha

Oh and I will make it to longs at some point in the next week :D

Paz♥

There will be no god once their identity is unmasked.
There is nothing that can help them against us.
They can try to fight it, but will only end up in more pain.
This is karma.
but this is not over.

Major in Interior Design with a concentration in Architecture

and

Minor in Art Studio



Works for me.
:]

I want it to be Monday already

I want there to be money from my father waiting to be sent to Sacramento

I want it to be June 15th

I want it to be August 7th

I want my friends back

I want to go to a rave

I want new shoes

I want new clothes

I want to go to the park more

I want to move in to my first apartment

I want my license

I want a car

I want Cary to not be gay so we can get married
(hahah had to of been there today for the convo)

I want things to move along faster

I want money in my account

I want I want I want.

Doesn't it just sound greedy when you don't explain why you want something. There is no fine line between need and want. There is nothing to be confused about. I want new clothes because the ones I have now remind me of a time when I hated myself. I want my license so I can feel a little more free. I want to go to a rave because when I'm there, I feel loved.

I want many things. This is part of being human. I don't understand how you can't be a little greedy in this world. I'm ok with that. I understand that there are things I do not need, but rather want. I don't need my license. I don't need the money. I don't need it to be a future date, I can wait. But wanting these things is all I have to keep me sane. Knowing that some day I will get the things I want is what keeps me alive. It gives me hope being greedy. If I didn't want anything, what would be the point in living?

US History?
French?
Dance?

Seems like a cool schedule to take this summer
If I can take more than 6 units
I hopehopehope I can
Two academic and one to whip me into shape!

Gold
I will be at the JC all daaaay
YES
I love college
:)

It makes me laugh.
Especially the fact that it was on their 420 episode.
hahaha

So I feel a little up beat today.
For some reason I have a little hope.
I think it just might be the daytime
Each night I get into these moods that I don't even want to deal with
its such a bummer
I just feel so depressed at night.
maybe because I'm always alone
my mom goes to bed early,
and I'm so used to just staying up all night
I mean...I am a nocturnal.
So I just sit around and everyone in sac is busy
people in windsor are boring
and no one does anything at night
thats whats so nice about college
there is something going on ALL OF THE TIME
and if there isnt, its easy to start something
Finally got to talk to rene today, but he was just saying how he has a hold because of the signs and stuff, and how they won't let him get his classes. I feel like I brought this upon him, but also they are being very douchebaggy.
I want to talk to him.
but it seems that we can never get the time to.
I am thinking about going there for a week or something before school is out and before I have to go in.
I basically gave up on finding a job, and I'm ok with that
but my sanity is sacrificed.
There is no money.
I don't know if I can go back to sacramento.
Which is more important, friends or school?
I so much want to pick friends....but I love school
I'm never going to graduate
I hate relying on the parents
and I get so angry seeing rich people
I need clothes
I need shoes
I need a house
but nope.
for some reason god has put us through this, and it very difficult getting out
I'm sure we will eventually
but lj is for complaining right?
I want to start baking for my mom, but she doesn't want to let me
I don't know why.
I is hungary
later gatorrrrrrsss

1. Find someone that I can completely open up to
2. Live in a different country than where I was born
3. Cook a three course meal worth being in Bon Appetit
4. Take a road trip
5. Karaoke in front of a large crowd
6. Go to college, and graduate
7. Have two children, or none
8. Take a vow of silence
9. Learn another language fluently
10. Cry on a shoulder
11.
12.

Really Ivy?

seriously? Seriously?

Just wow.
So messed.
I literally cannot believe she did that to me.
Who the fuck does that to their best friend?
like duh fuck???


I'm gaining more hope in Windsor people
and slowly losing patience with Sacramento people.

I'm sure that will change though.
I will lose my steam in a few days, and all will be well.


Hopefully.

I couldn't be more confused with my life right now.
I really want to take a trip to riverfront park.
Maybe tomorrow after I go visit some peeps at the HS
(meaning smithson and like, maxson)
Oh boy.
I'm angry and sad and frustrated all wrapped into one care package of defeat.
I have been feeling sick for the past week because of allergies, and being tired doesn't help the mind.
I don't do anything with my life.
but I guess I am needed.
I am so glad to have answered that text last night.
Almost didn't, but I guess it was meant to be.
I don't know where to take it from here.
I guess I will let them decide.
Oh to sit on that hill again and listen to the shins....
I need to. I want to.
Just to clear my head.
Vicky and Josh are going to be my roommates :]
I am so happy and excited to move back.
Oh blackramento, how I miss thee!
Television is boring, but House is interesting.
I made dinner tonight.
I feel happy because of one thing, but this other thing is really bringing me down.
I think I invest too much time into something I am so sure of, but it always ends up being so wrong.
How come I am better friends with teachers than peers?
Whats wrong with me?
There is so much I wanted to say in that phone call, but I didn't want to ruin anything.
It has been so long.
But it was worth the wait.
I feel like going to bed and its only 10.
I'm such a lame young adult.
I spend too much time by myself.
No more Sacramento until I move back :/
Or at least until I get a car of my own (won't happen)
Fate is in the hands of some corporation.
I'm still waiting.
Always waiting.
Hopefully its not too late.
but I guess that wouldn't be horrible either.
I've settled in so nicely here.
Wii Fit is more entertaining than people.
I can't stand these mannequins.
So much guilt, and so much time wasted.
This is probably not making sense to outside readers.
Oh, I started to read some CS Lewis, I forgot how much I loved his writing style.
I think I will go to bed.

I want to watch this again :]

was a crazy weekend.

oh me oh my

I was at this mall with laurie and cristiana
and we were sitting down in this cafe place, and there were all sorts of beatnik type people sitting at these small tables for two. well laurie had some pills with her, and she was waving them all around like it was no big deal, and I kept on telling her to stop and put them in her pocket because we weren't in the dorms and its illegal and all. Well I ended up taking the small baggie from her, and for some reason threw two of the four pills into my mouth. They were quad stacks so they were pretty bulky, but they kind of had the consistency of bubble gum, but still kind of powdery. Anyways, after popping I realized I didn't want to be rolling just then. So I go to the closest garbage can and spit them out. They were mostly dissolved by then, so it was just a small bit that I spat out. My sister came around at that point and sat down at the table. After spitting the pills out, I look back at my sister and just say I'm feeling sick, then I start throwing up. I just keep throwing up into this tall black garbage can. So we leave this place and go to walk around the mall, but I have to keep stopping to throw up. Its like I'm just uncontrollably throwing up and practically filling up this garbage in the middle of the mall with puke. Its insane. I keep trying to walk around the mall, but every few steps I just start blowing chunks into a garbage can. Each time it comes out different too. One of the times its this milky white cream looking throw up, really weird. As I'm going around the mall, puking my guts out, I keep seeing people I know. People from my past, people from sacramento, family, just all over the place. I even saw my favorite person from the dorms, the guy who dresses in 70s fashion haha. Laurie and Cristiana end up leaving me to myself, just messed up and throwing up more than humanly possible. I think I ended up taking a third pill as well, because I still had the baggy in my pocket. Then I somehow end up on the lower level, and trying to find a bathroom to clean myself up. There was this random group of people trying to keep my from getting there, but I ended up in there, throwing up again, and just kind of sitting in the stall when my uncle comes in. He is asking me all these questions as to why I am sick, and I end up telling him that I took some pills. I guess he helped me clean up or something and then took me out of the mall, but I don't really remember much else of my dream.
It was so weird. I rarely ever throw up in general, and the dream was so realistic, it was gross. Like, I was throwing up A LOT in this dream.....I still don't get it.

I seriously haven't done anything all week.
ALL WEEK
No friends over, no crazy adventures, nothing.
Hmmm
I did get some shizz done though. I mean, stuff I could get done in a half a day, but what ev. I'm a sloth.
I kind of made a massive game plan, seems legit. Now I just have to get on it.
My wrist really hurts. Just moving it hurts. I don't know what I did to it :/
I miss my friends in Sacramento....
I'm really annoyed with my sister
I need to lose some weight. I think if I actually just go outside I would be more fit. I got my bike working again, but its been super rainy :[
I should find those Tae-bo videos. Those were awesome.
I basically do one thing a week. It usually involves finding a way to sacramento.
My dad got in the newspaper, pretty dope.
I still need a job. I'm not working hard enough to find one.
I hate driving my sisters car. Its so retarded.
The Office sucked last night. It wasn't funny. They were trying too hard. Only one part was funny
Court shows on tv are just pathetic.
I think I'm going to go on a bike ride, but its so cold. I wish we had better bike paths here.
Suppose to go to the city this weekend.
Oh I'm starting to like my hair. Which is cool.